But now he has to try for himself
by T.V programs rule
Summary: A little sequel to my story "He tries so hard." - On his way to College, Sam sits and thinks; he knows he's done the right thing, he just wishes the right thing didn't include leaving his Family behind


Just a little sequel to my story "He tries so hard." You don't have to read that one, but it would make a little more sense if ya did! Thanks for reading xx

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Sam slouched down at the back of the bus, his hoodie up and his duffel-bag between his feet, watching the outside World fly past in a multitude of colours and shapes. His eyes are tearing up but he feels at peace; feels like he'd done the right thing.

He may have just lost his Family but he's found himself in the process.

It didn't have to be this way. His Dad had made it this way; stuck in his opinion that there were only two options in life, that there were only two paths to take. He either stayed with them, or left for good. Never a third option with John.

But Sam had to do what was right for _him_; God knows no one else was going to.

Hunting Monsters that aren't meant to be real, fearing for his own and his Family's life, moving from place to place, never secure in the knowledge that he'll have a roof over his head tonight or a warm bed to sleep in or food in his stomach. That wasn't doing the right thing for him; that was slowly and painfully breaking him every day.

A part of him didn't wanna leave; not totally anyway. But that's not a life he wants to live anymore. He doesn't want to wake up every morning – after another week has gone by, or another month, or another year – and be exactly where he is now. He doesn't wanna walk down just the one path, in just the one direction. He doesn't wanna have just the two options in life; Hunt or die.

The argument was the worst one that he and John have ever had. Both screaming at the other, both throwing things against walls, both pushing and shoving; both wanting to be heard over the other. Sam had heard John loud and clear, he doesn't know if he can say the same for John though.

John had been going on about a purpose and how his purpose in life is to avenge his Mother's death. He had tried telling his Dad that he didn't have a purpose; tried telling him that no one was _born_ with a purpose in life, that you had to create that purpose yourself.

And this wasn't the purpose Sam wanted. And he's sure that it isn't the purpose his Mom wanted for him either. He didn't know his Mother, doesn't remember her smile or her smell or her voice, but he loves and misses her as if she had only died last week. For a long time he had blamed himself for her death; despite Dean telling him it wasn't his fault. She had died in _his_ nursery, over _his_ crib, trying to stop something from harming _him_.

But now Sam realises. Mary didn't die _because _of him; she had died _for_ him. Died so he could live, and live he was gonna damn well do. She didn't die, sacrificed herself, for Sam to turn around and get himself killed by some Ghost or Demon. That would be like spitting on her grave, throwing her sacrifice back in her face and telling her it meant nothing.

Sam wasn't gonna die to prove that he loved his Mom; he was gonna prove it by living for her instead.

He refused to allow his Mother's death to rule over his life. It wasn't want she would have wanted. Whilst it's true that he never knew her, he _did_ know that she was a good Mother; John and Dean were determined that he at least knew that much about her. And any good Mother wouldn't want their child to stop living when they're not around; any good Mother wouldn't want their child to be stuck in the past when there was a future to look forward to.

He understands that his Dad wouldn't be able to see this. His Dad isn't a Mother; and while a Father's love is just as powerful as a Mother's, there's still a difference between them. But John had even stopped being a Father years ago. Now he was just a man Hell-bent on killing the thing that ripped the love of his life away from him; and damn everything or anyone that got in his way.

He was gonna miss his Family; of course he was. He was gonna miss the comforting smell of his Dad's aftershave, the proud grin Dean would give him when he got a good grade, the way his Dad used to hold him tightly after he got back from a Hunt, the way Dean would always lead him out to the Impala with a hand on his shoulder. He was gonna miss the way his Dad would ruffle his hair or the way Dean would gently squeeze the back of his neck to reassure him. He was gonna miss the comfortable seats of the Impala and the familiar roar of her engine. He was gonna miss the way both his Dad and Dean would drop everything and take care of him when he was too sick to get out of bed.

There was a lot of things he was gonna miss, a lot of things he's gonna wish he had again. He knows that there's gonna be times when he's gonna want to give up, scream "_Screw it_" and run back to the safety circle of his Family. But he also knows that no matter how frequent those moments are, he won't give in.

Because he tried. For years he tried to do the right thing for his Family and it got him nowhere.

So now…he was gonna try for himself.

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**Reviews are always loved! Thanks for reading and hope you liked it! Let me know what you think xxx**


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